Sunday, November 15, 2020

The Undercollege, Part 4: Encounters

 Originally posted on Facebook Notes, 24th December 2007

The skeleton's clawlike hand tightened around Cat's coat, lifting with enough force that her heels lost contact with the ground and she was left semi-dangling before him. "A fleshie, in the Fellows' Garden after dark? Strictly against regulations... and foolish too..."

"Hey!"

Cat almost jumped as a third voice made itself heard. It came from further down the long passageway, although the blinding glare of the flashlight in the skeleton's hand made it difficult to see who was calling. A rasping hiss seemed to emanate from the skeleton's jaws, and he turned to look for the newcomer... and as he did so he released its grip on Cat, who took advantage of the moment by doing what she'd always been told to do as a last resort when assaulted by men. She kicked out forcefully at its groin. Since skeletons didn't have a groin as such, however, her blow passed through its intended target and her foot made crashing contact with the base of his spine.

With a hollow crack, the skeleton snapped in half, clattering to the ground in two pieces. Cat herself, overbalanced, fell heavily backwards to the floor. The flashlight hit the ground and flickered out. In the sudden comparative darkness, Cat could hear the two parts of the skeleton scrabbling about, its legs flailing helplessly and its torso pulling itself along the ground towards her. A chill of fear struck her and she scrambled away from it, but her worry was unfounded, as a few seconds later the skeleton's movement ceased and it was nothing more than a pile of bones.

The newcomer, though, was advancing, and as her eyes became once again accustomed to the blue gloom of the caves she could make out his features. It was a man, or a boy, not much older than Cat herself, and not much taller. He was wiry in build, with sparse spiked hair and a gaunt, angular face that could have been pleasant if he were smiling. Bony shoulders defined a plain black T-shirt over a slim torso, and he wore a pair of faded blue jeans with a few rips and tears here and there that didn't look like designer creations. His thin lips were pursed and his spiky eyebrows set into a frown as he regarded her.

"Good kick," he said.

Cat, who was now crawling forward to examine the skeleton's remains, looked at him in confusion. "What?"

"Good kick," the young man repeated as if it were the most obvious thing in the world. "You got him right above the pelvis. Weakest spot in the human body. Except possibly the base of the neck. But you couldn't very well have kicked him there." He glanced at her briefly. "Do you play for your College football team?"

"Um," Cat responded, "no. I'm Cat, by the way." Without getting up, she extended a hand to him, which he stooped slightly to shake.

"Mike," the young man responded distractedly, as if a new thought had occurred to him. "Are you okay? You looked like you fell quite hard. I'm a First Aider, if you need it."

Cat shook her head. "I'm fine," she replied, and frowned. "As fine as it's possible to be in a place like this."

Mike frowned. "I guess you're not a local, then. Damn. I have no idea where the hell I am." The admission evidently pained him.

Cat's heart sank. "Me neither. I just... found myself here. Not long ago. And then... he found me." She gestured to the skeleton, which was now as lifeless as it should have been, and then glanced back up at Mike as the situation finally sunk in. "Thanks for distracting his attention. I mean, really, thanks."

The young man blushed. "It was nothing, honestly. I couldn't..." He trailed off, and then began anew, more firmly. "We need to get out of these passages before another one of... another of those comes along. I'd been following it for a while before it spotted you. It seemed to be on some sort of patrol round." He produced a small torch from his pocket and flicked it into life. Cat immediately warmed at the sight of it. "There's a narrow passage back there I don't think they go down. We should hide there while we figure out what to do next."

It wasn't much of a plan, but Cat was glad of it. She reached over to where the skeleton's black bowler hat had rolled away, and placed it upon her head as she got to her feet, an impish, impulsive grin making its way onto her face. "Yeah, alright."

*

Mike watched the girl as she advanced up the tunnel in front of him. He judged that she was a good few years younger than he was, still in her late teens. Her long mousey hair was tied back in a ponytail, although a few wisps remained free to frame an inquisitive face with pale blue eyes. The details of her form were mostly obscured by the long black coat she wore, but Mike could see that she had a slender figure. Aside from the bowler hat, she wore a dull green pullover, a denim skirt that in Mike's estimation was long enough not to be slutty but too short to be practical, and black leggings that revealed the shape of her long legs, especially when she was crawling on all fours up the low-ceilinged tunnel in front of him. Cat had been dubious about going first, but Mike had been adamant that danger was most likely to come from behind, and refused to let her be more exposed to it than he was.

It wasn't long before they reached the area where Mike had first regained consciousness. Cat stood, stretching her limbs, and then turned to face him, sitting gingerly down on the mulch-packed floor. "This place is weird," she said wonderingly. "Like some strange burrowing creature's lair. How did you find it?"

"The same way I found anything down here," Mike replied, shrugging and fiddling with the skeleton's broken torch. "I just stumbled across it. Actually, this was the first place I... saw. After I arrived here. It was where I woke up."

"I woke up back down there," Cat mused, jerking her thumb in the direction they'd come. "The skeleton said it was the... Fellows' Garden, I think. But which college has an underground garden? And, you know, that skeleton reminded me of the porters at Clare." She fell silent, adjusting the hat on her head.

"Mm," Mike responded noncommittally. "There was a set of keys on his flashlight," he added, jangling them, then went back to poking at the large torch with his multitool. "I hope I can get this to work again. It has a much broader beam than my Maglite." Then he too was silent - for a similar reason to Cat, he imagined. What they'd just experienced, and what they were still experiencing, couldn't be rationalised in terms of anything he'd ever heard of, and it scared him. A lot.

"What do you think happened to us?" Cat ventured eventually.

Mike opened his mouth to answer, but nothing but silence came out as he looked up at the entrance to the tunnel they'd emerged from. Something was making its way up the tunnel towards them. In the low light it was difficult to make out many distinguishing features, but floppy, slimy tendrils dangled in front of it and it stank of filth and decay. As it advanced it emitted a low, doleful groan. Cat shrieked.

Mike's fingers fumbled for the knife attachment on his multitool. He wasn't going down without a fight.

The Undercollege, Part 3: The Garden

 Originally posted on Facebook Notes, 21st November 2007

Mike groaned and realised that he was awake. He deduced from this that he was alive, which meant that he hadn't been electrocuted.

Whatever had happened, in fact, it didn't seem to bear any resemblance to the results of an electric shock at all; in his time as a lighting technician, Mike had experienced no small number of minor zaps, so he knew the common symptoms. Most common were burns caused by the arc-flash, and his skin felt fine as he flexed all his limbs gently to make sure that he was intact.

His next realisation was that he couldn't see those limbs. In fact, he couldn't see anything at all. For a second he considered the possibility that he had been blinded by the flash he'd experienced, but then his environment began to solidify around him. Walls, of sorts, became visible to either side. The place he was in was simply very, very dark. Mike was well aware that the claimed correlation between consumption of carrots and improved night vision was an urban myth, a rumour fostered by the British military during World War II to provide a plausible non-technological explanation for the effectiveness of their new Airborne Interception Radar. This being the case, he didn't spend long reflecting on the number of carrots his parents had fed him in his youth. Instead he reached down to his waist and unhooked his Maglite from his belt. Torch versus carrots = no contest.

He was quickly able to get an idea of the room he was in - if it could be called a room. It was certainly very different to anything to be found in the ADC Theatre. The floor on which he lay was moist and brown, thickly carpeted with some sort of plant mulch. The walls of the room rose in an oval around him, rudely cut from packed earth. Although nothing appeared to be supporting the ceiling, a few tentative pokes sufficed to convince Mike that the structure was firm enough not to collapse on a whim. Firmer than some sets I've built, anyway, he thought, and smiled gently, attempting to brush aside the panic that threatened to rise within him.

Three uniform tunnels branched out from the chamber, each circular in cross-section and with a diameter of about a metre. Although too narrow for a man to pass standing, they were as structurally sound as the "room" itself. After some hesitation, he made for the only one of the three that seemed to head upwards. Mike was a practical soul by nature, and once he'd decided upon a course of action he gave little thought to his predicament as he got down on hands and knees and began to crawl. Management will be interested to hear about this place...

*

Pain lanced through her skull, jolting Cat back to consciousness. Her first thought was that she'd once again banged her head against the enormously venerable beam in her attic room in college that hung obtrusively over her bed. Opening her eyes, she quickly dismissed the idea. Her room certainly didn't have patches of luminous blue mould on the rough-hewn rock ceiling five metres above. Nor did it have a rock floor, and nor was that rock floor littered with strange stone protrusions.

Stalagmites, she seemed to remember they were called. But these were no ordinary stalagmites. Ordinary stalagmites started at the bottom and rose upwards. They certainly didn't branch out into several twisted limbs, extending at all angles. Appearing all of one piece and sprouting quite naturally out of the ground, these rock formations resembled nothing so much as stunted, barren trees in winter. Some were clumped together, and others artfully arranged in lines and spirals. On the nearest, a green parrot was strutting along one of the branches. Its beak was black, but the fluffy feathers around its eyes were yellow, and on each of its wings was a flash of red. When it noticed Cat watching it, it stretched its wings, emitted a high-pitched squawk, and flew off.

Cat scrambled to her feet, straightening out her skirt and coat and reaching under her long hair to feel the injury to her head. A bruised, bloody lump rose on her scalp.

What...? I was in the library. Where on earth am I? The details slowly trickled back to her. I was picking up a book. Then something hit me from behind... She instinctively cast around for the book, but it was nowhere to be found. Unsure whether to regard the situation as a result of a kidnapping, an unfunny practical joke, or something much stranger, she took stock of her surroundings.

The level, orderly plantation of stalagmites stretched out before and behind her. On either side was a sheer rock face that owed as much to artifice as to nature. Every ten paces or so was a stalagmite that had been allowed to grow to the ceiling and merge with a stalactite there to form a column that stretched the full height of the gallery. What little light there was came from the ultramarine mould that grew liberally on the cavern ceiling and the higher branches of the taller stalagmite-plants. The only sound was a concatenation of drops falling at regular intervals from above into puddles on the ground. "Hello?" she called, three times in total; but, other than a mocking reverberation, there was no response. Cat gathered her long coat around her and began to run.

*

She'd been running for less than a minute when she saw it. Up ahead, the gallery came to an end and split into two, with one of the passages curving sharply round to the right. From this passageway emanated the welcome glow of torchlight.

"Over here! I'm over here!" Cat cried, picking up her pace, and the torch-bearer seemed to speed up, too, as the beam began to wobble. Finally. A sign of life! At worst, it's someone like me who's lost down here in this weird place.

She wasn't prepared for what faced her when she rounded the corner, almost colliding with the torch-holder. The sight caused her to stop in her tracks.

A bony hand grasped the broad-beamed torch, and another shot out to clamp down on Cat's lapels in a vicelike grip, drawing her in so close that she would have been able to feel the torch-bearer's breath... if he were the type of creature that breathed. Cat's green eyes made empty contact with the hollow eye-sockets of a skull, on top of which rested an immaculate black bowler hat.

"Well, now," rasped the skeleton through non-existent, malevolent vocal cords. "What have we here?"

The Undercollege, Part 2: Holes

Originally posted on Facebook Notes, 22nd October 2007

The day was beautiful, at least for the onlookers. Rudolf rarely had the chance to look up at the cloudless blue sky, where the sun beat down relentlessly. He had a job to do, and to do it well required keeping his head down and his muscles pumping.

It was the last day of May Bumps, an ancient rowing race in which the crews raced one behind the other, the object being to catch and 'bump' the boat in front. The race took place over four days, and a crew that bumped the boat in front would start the next day one place higher up the order, with the crew that finished the last day in first place being the overall winner. Third Trinity Boat Club had started that day in first position, and for the first time in years they had a real chance at finishing head of the river. As a rower, Rudolf's job wasn't particularly complex, but his strokes needed to be powerful and precise. The exhortations of the cox washed over him and spurred him on, although he didn't need much spurring. The joking wager of a lissom town girl, who had foolishly promised to do unspeakable things to him should he achieve the impossible and be a part of the winning crew, gave him all the motivation he needed.

Deep thought, while rowing, was a waste of valuable energy, so Rudolf kept his mind mostly blank. He was thinking about nothing in particular when it happened.

The boat suddenly slewed around, lurching wildly to the left. As Rudolf looked up, scanning the river ahead for the cause of the disturbance, the shaft of an oar swung out of nowhere and slammed into his forehead. Already a little disoriented, the tall rower temporarily lost his balance. It was only for a split second - but it was enough to allow another violent jerk to pitch him bodily out of the boat. The murky waters of the River Cam rushed up to meet him.

Rudolf hardly registered the cries of the spectators before his eyes and ears were filled with the green-brown liquid. He was a strong swimmer, so he wasn't worried, but the blow to his head had slowed him, and in the few seconds that he floundered something seemed to grab hold of his ankle from below and pull. And then, despite his best efforts, he found himself sinking, the scorching sunlight above rapidly becoming a distant memory.

Down he was dragged, past discarded prams, the bent spokes of spidery bicycle wheels and a forgotten mountain of tins that had once held beans. Down there, near the riverbed, liquid and solid merged together into a hideous brown conglomeration that sucked and clawed at its victims. Time wound out, and the rower's breath grew short as he was engulfed completely, tiny stars flickering at the periphery of his vision. Then they were gone, and he was left alone in the darkness.

*

Mike was unimpressed. He'd been following the cable for what seemed like hours.

The task was simple enough. The new term high-jinks of a few actors had caused some plaster to come away from the wall in one of the dressing rooms, and behind it a cable had been found. Since Mike was known to be a reliable and responsible techie, the theatre's Technical Director had asked him to dig out the rest of the cable and to find out where it went and what it did. In Cambridge's student-owned ADC Theatre, bewildering electrical weirdness was not exactly uncommon. But this particular cable looked set to break all previous records.

From the dressing rooms, it had proceeded to the kitchen and clubroom at just above head height, then along the corridor, bypassing the management offices, and into the gents' toilets, where it ran along inside the ceiling until suddenly deciding to rise up into the theatre bar above. After charting an erratic course up the west wall of the bar, it found itself in the roof void above the auditorium, where Mike had had to untangle several coils of it from an ancient and filthy piece of truss. It didn't stop there, however. It continued on through the patch room and along the counterweight gallery, then gradually down and around the back of the stage. Eventually it sank down into the empty space below the stage manager's desk, only a short way, in absolute terms, from where Mike had originally found it.

The SM floor void, as it was known, was a strange place. Devoid of any useful function, it was accessed only by means of a trapdoor from the stage, and inside it remnants of the theatre's hundred-and-fifty-year history abounded. In one corner was a pile of beige sheets, stinking of that strange chemical that stage managers sprayed on props to make them flame-retardant, and resting upon them was a tarnished silver tray holding sherry glasses wrapped in cling film. A rugby ball, six shovels, some mouldy chocolate muffins, some dusty white feathers, a box full of microphones and a number of black and white umbrellas held together by cork and paperclips completed the collection. The cable, however, pointedly ignored all of this. It made its meandering way across the floor to a wall, into which it disappeared.

Mike swore. That's a structural wall. At least two feet of something extremely solid separated the void from anything else. And yet the cable seemed to plunge rather effortlessly into a narrow hole through it. For Mike, enough was enough. He'd only come to the theatre in the first place to have a drink in the bar and chat to friends, and now it was nearing one a.m. and for all he knew he was no closer to finding the source of the mysterious cable. Worse, in the process he'd got himself covered in a layer of the ADC's omnipresent theatrical grime. What he was about to do was uncharacteristically stupid, but for once he was past caring. Gritting his teeth, he braced one steel-capped boot against the structural wall and gave the cable an almighty tug.

Something gave. There was a sudden, explosive crackle, accompanied by a flash of brilliant white light, and Mike was sent sprawling backwards. He briefly reflected that he seemed to be falling through the floor of the void... and then darkness came over him, and he knew no more.

*

Cat flopped against the bookcase and concentrated on holding back the tears.

She'd been in Cambridge for a week now, and already most of her hopes were in tatters. At school, her intelligence had always set her apart from any of her peers. The only downside had been that those peers had always felt extremely intimidated by her for that very reason, for all that she'd tried to instigate friendships. So she'd fantasised about going to university and meeting people who she could relate to, and who, more importantly, could relate to her. It had only taken a few days for that particular dream to be shattered. She'd been assigned a room on a staircase upon which only one other student was living, a gifted netball player and all-round sportswoman who was never in and who didn't seem to need sleep. Her fellow maths students were no better, soullessly calculating automatons with no interest in anything but the course they were doing, and her Director of Studies was a stern, upright old man who always seemed slightly bemused by the fact that she had breasts. In the bar after her matriculation dinner she'd been cornered by a smooth-talking Londoner who'd virtually force-fed her red wine; she'd thrown up the contents of her stomach (mostly red wine) and spent the rest of the evening in bed in a drunken haze, but it'd been worth it to escape his attentions. After wandering around the terrifyingly hectic University Societies Fair being handed free trinkets left, right and centre, she'd gone along to a meeting of the University Nordic Society in the hope of finding someone to practise her Norwegian with, but to her dismay they all turned out to be statuesque ice-blondes wearing viking helmets, swilling ale, singing songs about spam and laughing at their own jokes. Now Cat was seriously considering changing course, if not dropping out entirely. The cavernously huge University Library wasn't the best place to find solace, but at least it was quiet, everyone busily going about their business with as little regard for the life stories of others as for the many millions of volumes not intended for their knowledge.

Perhaps I'll switch to Philosophy. I've always wanted to try to find the answers.

Even as she thought this, her attention was drawn to a book on the wall opposite her. It was small (irregularly small, Cat thought, to be classed as 'b' with the other books in the bookcase) and bound in what looked like black leather. Its title was printed in neat capitals on the spine: The Answers. Intrigued, Cat stepped forward, reached out and slid the book from the shelf into her hands, opening it at the first page, which turned out to be blank.

She never noticed the tall bookcase against which she had been leaning as it detached itself from its fastenings on the wall and toppled forward, one shelf making savage contact with the back of her head. In fact, it all happened mercifully quickly. One moment she was leafing through the book; the next, darkness.

*

In the room at the top of the Library's great tower, a red light began to flash insistently. Meldreth reached over to the board and flicked a switch, and the light died. Two incidents in as many weeks. Bad. The first incident he'd glossed over as a one-off, despite its implications, but this had to be more than just coincidence. Time to get to work. Standing, the stocky man pulled his dull brown greatcoat from its peg and swept out of the room.

The Undercollege, Part 1: Flight

Originally posted on Facebook Notes, 14th October 2007

A new serial, hopefully with a new post every week. Hope you like it!
____________________________

The white van swerved to avoid the dark figure on the bicycle, nearly slamming headlong into a tree by the road. Its driver, a short, stocky man whose balding pate gave him a monastic appearance, uttered a curse in the direction of the retreating figure. "Bloody cyclists!"

Dr. Delia Mainwaring barely registered the vehicle's presence. Her black gown streamed out behind her as she disappeared into the night, frantically pedalling down Garrett Hostel Lane. Must make it to the bridge. If I can get to the bridge, I'll be safe.

A long sequence of events had led to this moment. It had been tricky enough, in the first place, to gain Visiting Scholar status and then to be granted access to the University Library. Then she'd needed to strike up enough of a friendship with a young caretaker to be allowed access to the holiest of holies, the inner sanctum where the University's most precious books and manuscripts were stored in top security. Through all of this she'd tried to maintain as low a profile as possible, right up until it came to stealing the book and making away with it. But somehow her enemies had been following her every move, and now she was fleeing from a truly fiendish creature, the book tucked away in a satchel under her gown.

Orgasm Bridge, the students called it. The name referred to the ever more belaboured sounds made by cyclists attempting to reach its peak, and the exhilarating relief of cresting it. But orgasm was the furthest thing from Delia Mainwaring's mind as she powered up its western slope. Relief she did feel as she reached the top... and safety... but it was swiftly replaced by horror as she saw what awaited her on the other side.

Three human skeletons were standing there, waiting. The orange gleam of the street lamps was reflected in the smooth contours of their clean-polished bones. Each hefted a mace or other such crushing weapon, and each wore a black bowler hat atop the crown of their skull. Mainwaring briefly considered trying to ride them down and press through, but she knew that the risk was too great. She could not chance damage to the book. Reluctantly she slipped off her bike at the summit of the bridge and dared a glance behind her.

At the foot of the bridge on the western side, the form of her pursuer resolved itself: a tall, rake-thin man. He sported a narrow moustache and was dressed in immaculate black tie. The skin of his face and hands was every bit as pale as the crisp white shirt he wore, but the irises of his eyes were blood-red. When he spoke, there was only a slight hint of a foreign accent in his otherwise perfect newsreader English.

"Caught between a rock and a hard place, Dr. Mainwaring," he said with a toothy smile. "I am... truly sorry it had to come to this, but you have led us a merry chase. And now you have something that belongs to us, so I offer you a choice." Another grin. "Surrender the book to me and you can depart from here unharmed."

"I doubt that," Mainwaring shot back. "And it doesn't belong to you. Any more than it belongs to me."

The pale man shook his head. "Foolish," he whispered. "Well, you leave me no choice. We'll just have to do this the hard way." He extended a slender finger and beckoned, and behind her the three skeletal minions began their advance up the slope of the bridge.

You leave me no choice. Mainwaring considered her options, and knew that he was right. No choice. She'd really been hoping not to have to resort to what she was about to resort to. "I'm sorry," she breathed as her gown slipped from her shoulders and a warm golden light began to envelop her.

The arrogant smirk of the tall man slowly transformed into an astonished grimace as the aura gained in intensity. On the other side of the bridge, the skeletons' inexorable advance faltered and they drew back. "Crush her!" the pale man screeched, but his order went unheeded. It was too late.

As the corona reached its zenith, the skeletons turned away, scrabbling with skinless fingers at their empty eye-sockets. Only the pale man did not look away, and through the glare he fancied he saw broad white wings emerging from Mainwaring's upper back before the light became blinding and his vision momentarily obscured.

When his sight returned, all that was left at the apex of the bridge was an abandoned bicycle, a discarded gown... and a few white pinion feathers fluttering to the floor.

Glancing upward into the night sky, the vampire muttered an ancient obscenity under his breath. The Master will not be pleased. His red eyes roved the scene for a few moments more, then he turned on his heel and stalked away.

Tuesday, November 10, 2020

Winter is still coming

And before lockdown began I managed to snag two new varieties – not seasonal ones, though the second is only available for a short time.

Cranberry Nuss: 9/10

Fantastic combination of crunch, sweetness and acidity! It only misses out on the top spot because it's not quite identical to the ultimate dream combo of my own creation. But it does come close. Might be better with dark chocolate?

Don Schoko: 7.5/10

Limited edition, with the same colorful packaging as the summer varieties this year. I have no idea why it has a picture of a sloth on it, or why it's called Don Schoko. Points deducted for confusion. But it's a chunky 40% milk chocolate variety that is very satisfying to munch.

Wednesday, October 21, 2020

Winter is coming

Three new Ritter Sport flavours! Two of them are old favourites: Spekulatius (mmm) and Gebrannte Mandel, both of which have been consistent winter features since 2017. I sampled all of them (you know, just to check whether standards were being upheld...) but the most interesting for present purposes is the new kid on the block, Kokosmakrone (coconut macaroon).

Kokosmakrone: 7/10

Anyone who knows me will know that coconut is something I don't like. So I don't know whether it's a change in me, or an inexplicable surfeit of goodwill, but I enjoyed this one surprisingly much. It's got that crunchy macaroon texture that helps to offset just how cloying coconut tends to be, and none of the mushy coconut texture. I wouldn't mind seeing this one again in future winters (perhaps as opposed to Gebrannte Mandel, which I could take or leave).

Wednesday, July 22, 2020

Open letter to the ERC Scientific Council

This one's over on Medium.com: a letter about the ERC Scientific Council's weird decision to withdraw from Plan S.

The ERC and Plan S: an open letter

Sunday, March 22, 2020

New new Ritter Sport 2020

Some new flavours for the spring of 2020, just in time for social distancing.

“Marhaba” Joghurt Honig Nuss: 6/10
Yawn... The best thing about this one is its beautifully coloured packaging. The treat inside is fine, but just consists of existing Ritter ingredients thrown together, of which the yoghurt is not a favourite of mine and the honey is barely detectable. I’m not complaining, but neither has my world been rocked.

“Buenos Días” Weisse Mango Maracuja: 7.5/10
I’m generally a fan of the white plus citrus combos, and this one is no exception. It’s a bit less tart than many of this kind, a very rounded, thoroughly sweet experience, but still flavoursome enough to make one sit up and pay attention. More like this, please!

“Hula Hula” Kokoswaffel: 2/10
Nnnghh. My least favourite texture, waffle, combined with my least favourite flavour, coconut. I’m sure that “objectively” this one deserves a better grade, but I can’t bring myself to countenance it.

Wednesday, February 19, 2020

New Ritter Sport 2020

This post is a mix of some I tried earlier in 2019 and never got round to posting about, some newer ones (early 2020), and one accidental repeat. These aren't seasonal varieties - they're here to stay!

Die Feine (61%) aus Nicaragua: 7/10
Dry and somehow smoky. Certainly an interesting one to savour but unlikely to become a firm favourite of mine.

Die Milde (55%) aus Ghana: 8/10
A very nicely balanced combination of creaminess and potency that ends up silky smooth. Probably my favourite of the three overall.

Die Kräftige (74%) aus Peru: 6.5/10
For a strong one, this one doesn’t quite pack enough punch for my taste. Perhaps I’m being too picky - after all, I spent quite a lot of time eating Lindt 90% dark, and eating it very slowly indeed. Ritter will remain my guilty pleasure rather than my classy chocolate date, I think.

Cashew: 5/10
I love cashew nuts and I love Ritter Sport, so what went wrong here? Simple answer: they used salted cashews. WTAF? They don’t use salted almonds or hazelnuts. Anyway, as a result this one would be better labelled “Salt”. And the irony is that the combination of salt and chocolate is quite tasty, and if it were labelled as such it would get a much higher score, but I’ve kept it low because of screwing with my expectations.

Haferkeks + Joghurt: 7.5/10
A sort of inverted chocolate hobnob, this goes down nicely. I’m not usually a fan of the yoghurt flavouring, but in this combination it does work pretty well. (EDIT: I actually already did this one in Spring 2019. Oh well; at least it got basically the same rating.)

Mandel Orange: 7/10
Very nice, quite understated. The almond pieces are so tiny that they really only provide a slight crunch, but that combined with the dark chocolate and orange flavouring is quite seductive. I could see this one growing on me.

Tuesday, December 31, 2019

Books read 2019

At the start of 2018 I resolved to read more books, and I’ve more or less kept it up in 2019. Purely quantitatively I’m trailing a bit (45 this year as opposed to 58 last year), but in my defence there were some very hefty tomes in there this year. Anyhow, on with the mini-reviews!

T. Craig Christy, Uniformitarianism in linguistics

A fine work of William Dwight Whitney fan fiction. I finally understand why everyone is so negative about this book. Christy is set on showing how Lyell’s uniformitarianism made its way into linguistics, that it was Whitney who was responsible, and that this was a paradigm shift in the Kuhnian sense. In so doing he first presents then ignores evidence that uniformitarianism had antecedents long before Lyell, and that Müller and others were using the idea before Whitney. He’s also unclear on what uniformitarianism is: at one point it boils down to “long timescale”, but this is then ignored in the second half, where the focus is on method. And he’s mean about Müller while at the same time asserting on no grounds that he’s wrong about things. Someone needs to write a better history of uniformitarianism in linguistics (and no, it won’t be me).

Miriam Butt, Theories of Case

A clear and accessible overview of the development of different theories of case. The focus is on GB/Minimalist-style structural approaches and “linking” approaches (Kiparsky, Wunderlich, LFG), with these two families each receiving a hefty chapter of their own. There’s also some historical context, from the ancient grammarians to Relational Grammar, and some considerations of other approaches (RRG, OT). The “ergative dragon” also gets anatomized. Very useful for me from the perspective of seeing why things are viewed the way they are today, even if I don’t particularly intend to become a case and argument structure pro any time soon.

Nicole Dehé, Parentheticals in spoken English: the syntax-prosody relation

At once an inspiring and a frustrating read. Inspiring because methodologically it’s pretty much breaking new ground (corpus prosody) and relates its findings to a ton of previous research. Frustrating because over every page I was expecting to see “here’s the theory of the prosody-syntax interface that actually allows you to make sense of this data”, which the author would certainly be capable of delivering. But even the predictions of existing theories (i.e. Match) which aren’t borne out are mentioned quite briefly. Well, I look forward to the sequel presenting the one true theory of prosody, anyway!

Noam Chomsky, Cartesian linguistics, 3rd edition

Here Chomsky meditates on some of his rationalist forebears – particularly Descartes himself, the Port-Royal grammarians, and Humboldt. Regardless of its merits as intellectual history (which it isn’t really supposed to be) or lack thereof, it’s certainly interesting, and contains some of Chomsky’s most explicit discussion of linguistic creativity. Even the nauseatingly hagiographic introduction by McGilvray contains some good discussion, e.g. as regards “common sense” and empiricist methodological dualism. (At 52 pages, this intro is almost as long as the rest of the book, and can easily be skipped by the reader in a hurry.)

Jun Terasawa, Old English metre: an introduction

I read this mainly to check whether it’d be good for students, but it’s also good for people like me who can never remember which of Sievers’ types is which. Chapters 1-3 are very introductory and very clear. Chapters 4-7 are more advanced, and provide up-to-date references on these more in-depth topics. And it’s nice and slender, too.

Steven Erikson, Forge of Darkness

Worst book I’ve read in years. Nothing happens for 660 pages while a host of characters with stupid names and no personality mouth ominous platitudes at one another. Only my completionist tendency got me through this one.

Güliz Günes, Deriving prosodic structures

An eye-opening, clearly written study. It’s hard to believe this is only a PhD thesis. First half presents a new way of thinking about prosody, based loosely on Match Theory but cashed out derivationally. Second half demonstrates very clearly the link between intonation phrases and illocutionary force in Turkish. Excellent.

Cixin Liu, The Dark Forest

Sci-fi as it should be. Daring, human, vertiginous, mind-boggling. Even better than its predecessor, I think.

Robert Fulk, A history of Old English meter

By no means an easy read, exacerbated by the author’s old-school philological style (section numbers, argument from authority, references in footnotes). In fact, it reads as if it were written in the 30s and 40s rather than 80s and 90s. And anyone who claims that generativists invented impenetrable formalisms in the study of language would do well to look at the bloated body of work on early Germanic metrics. Still, the weight of erudition behind this book is tremendous, and the conclusions are persuasive, in particular as regards the early date of Beowulf. No doubt I will be revisiting this one once I know more.

Private Eye Annual 2018

lol

David Lightfoot, Principles of diachronic syntax

Still as stimulating and frustrating as it was on a first read. Widely known as “that book about the modals and the Transparency Principle”, there’s far more in here than most people realize (or acknowledge). Quite apart from the three whole chapters of case studies that are rarely if ever mentioned (chapters 4-6), there’s a full-blown theory of change in here. Though the tone isn’t as resolutely I-language-focused as it is in his later work (he says things like “grammars can undergo radical restructuring”, p81, presupposing that it’s grammars that change”, the seeds are there, including the famous “how could a child” passage (p391). There’s also detailed discussion of analogy, language contact, and more. People don’t, on the whole, write books like this any more, for better or for worse.

Aphra Behn, Oroonoko and other writings

Surely one of the most interesting people of the early modern period, so I was curious. This collection is a mixed bag. Oroonoko itself is a fascinating, multifaceted story, challenging preconceptions about race relations in the period. The History of the Nun is also fun to read. By contrast, Memoirs of the Court of the King of Bantam is well-nigh incomprehensible, and some of the others are forgettable. A more careful reader than me would probably be able to infer a lot about the state of being a woman in early modern England. The same goes for the poetry: some of it is fairly boring, including a lot of poems about people who’ve recently died (“So. Farewell then”), but there are more meaningful moments too, such as To the Fair Clarinda.

Rolf Bremmer, An Introduction to Old Frisian

Very useful. Someone at Benjamins probably could have seen their way clear to proofreading it, though; there are a ton of typographical errors.

Alice Walker, The Color Purple

A lot of the fiction books I read have weird and/or depressing endings, so it’s great to read something that starts from the ultimate low point and climbs steadily upwards. I don’t like using the word “life-affirming”, but this book definitely is. Only one quibble: I couldn’t really see the point of Nettie’s letters, which start out about halfway through and seem stylistically and thematically a poor fit with the rest. (Maybe that in itself is the point?) I feel like the book would have been just as good without them.

Richard Larson, Grammar as Science

Started reading this last year when teaching a course based on the first four-fifths of it, and finished it this year. I think this is pretty much the perfect book to use for introductory syntax, especially a) with students who don’t do much linguistics (like mine) and b) with students who may then go on to pick up other formal models of grammar like LFG. Not all of the arguments are equally strong (the bit about PRO is super weak, to my mind), but the general pedagogical approach seems to work well.

Deborah Harkness, Time’s Convert

A nice easy-reading vampire novel that I picked up to get away from some of the bulkier tomes that will hopefully appear later on this year’s list. I was expecting a bit more bodice-ripping and bloodspilling, but instead what I got was quite a wholesome family story in which, at the end of the day, not all that much happens. It has a nice jaunt through 18th-century revolutionary America and France, though.

Jonathan Hsy, Trading tongues: merchants, multilingualism, and medieval literature

In case you were in any doubt about the multilingual credentials of medieval writers in England, this is the book to read: Hsy clearly shows how people like Chaucer, Gower, Kempe and Charles of Orleans (as well as a range of lesser-known mercantile writers) were able and willing to skip from language to language as part of business as usual. It’s written from a literary-historical perspective, and the constant talk of challenging binaries while inhabiting translingual spaces, etc., is a bit grating for a reader like me. But there’s no doubt that this is an important contribution to our understanding of medieval multilingualism.

Susan Oosthuizen, The emergence of the English

The traditional story of swarms of warrior immigrants in the 5th century has long since been debunked. This provocative little book by Oosthuizen aims to take the debate one step further – calling into question whether the concept of “Anglo-Saxons” as an incoming ethnic group has any explanatory value at all. After briefly surveying the subject area in chapter 1, Oosthuizen discusses the empirical evidence in chapter 2, problematizes explanations based on ethnicity in chapter 3, and proposes an alternative in chapter 4, predicated on continuity (and based on a case study of common land rights throughout the supposed period of migration). She comes down particularly hard on approaches that equate Anglo-Saxon England to apartheid South Africa. Some of the argumentation is convincing to me, other bits aren’t – for instance, the treatment of Ine’s laws seems a bit loose. And the alternative explanation in chapter 4 is sketched in terms that are so broad-brush as to be difficult to evaluate (though in fairness this is just as true of traditional approaches). This will certainly stimulate debate, and I’d like to see more in this vein - especially as regards its implications for the history of the English language.

J. N. Adams, Wackernagel’s law and the placement of the copula esse in classical Latin

More of a long article than a book (at 90 pages), the key question here is whether placement of the copula esse in classical Latin obeys Wackernagel’s law. Adams argues convincingly that it doesn’t, and that it is instead generally enclitic to a focused constituent, which may or may not be in first position.

Andy Weir, Artemis

Needed some holiday easy reading, and this was just the thing. Action-packed sci-fi. Reads like it’s been written by a horny 14-year-old nerd, but still a good page-turner. Polished off in three days.

Natalie Braber & Jonnie Robinson, East Midlands English

I’m from the northwest of this area and, as the authors state in their opening chapter, the complete absence of any reference to it in most dialectological discussions is astounding. The appearance of this book was therefore very welcome to me. It gives a fairly cursory overview of all domains of the language (syntax getting very short shrift) which is nevertheless inspiring – I feel like I ought to use the oral history project from my village, Tideswell, to make a contribution along these lines at some point. That’d be particularly valuable as this book is really focused mostly on the Three Cities area of Derby, Nottingham and Leicester and the surrounding ex-coal-mining areas, and the Peak District has its own sense of identity and linguistic peculiarities.

Peter Kruschwitz, Römische Inschriften und Wackernagels Gesetz

Another slender volume. Kruschwitz basically replicates Adams’s studies on the placement of copula esse and personal pronouns in Latin, but this time in the epigraphic material. He finds that by and large Adams’s conclusions hold for this dataset too. (Major gripe: gloss and translate your damn examples, Latinists!)

William Gibson, Neuromancer

Having been immersed in cyberpunk for so long (Blade Runner, Deus Ex, Shadowrun, Altered Carbon) I was expecting to be underwhelmed by this. But no – it’s sublime beyond its prescience. I only wish my teenage self had been exposed to it. I could have done without the space Rastafarians, though.

Mike Smith, Derbyshire Dialect

This is a slim volume even compared to the other books I’ve been calling slim. And it’s not really about Derbyshire dialect, instead dealing mostly with interesting traditions and historical peculiarities of the region. I learned several things nonetheless!

Michelle Obama, Becoming

As well as shedding light on White House life, this book reveals a genuine, dedicated, brilliant woman who’s fashioned herself into a weapon against injustice. Many lessons here for anyone who wants to use their own resources and position – whatever it happens to be – to make the world better.

Lionel Davidson, Kolymsky Heights

This thriller builds like an avalanche: very slow at first, then hurtling towards the end. The nuts-and-bolts buildup we get in the first half of the book is crucial for setting out exactly what’s at stake. We don’t get much insight into any of the characters other than the protagonist, even the woman he sleeps with. It’d also be nice to know how he became so awesome at absolutely everything. But hey, lots of fun.

David Goldstein, Classical Greek Syntax

Using so-called Wackernagel clitics as a springboard, this book is a wide-ranging investigation of clause structure in Classical Greek. It is scrupulously exemplified, and information-structurally very sophisticated. The syntactic approach (e.g. in terms of adjunction to S) strikes me as somewhat dated, but the analysis seems to make clear predictions that can be tested in future work. On some points - e.g. the question of clitics as non-projecting words – I’d have liked more discussion.

Neal Snape & Tanja Kupisch, Second language acquisition

Books by colleagues n+1! While this book is packed full of interesting things, and I learned a lot from it, my overarching impression is that it’s not very successful qua book. Rather, it’s a succession of short summaries of experimental studies, organized into useful categories. Some of the meatier theoretical issues are glossed over quite briefly. To me at least it would have been handier to have a bit more of a frame narrative to glue everything together, even if that meant covering less material.

Joan Bybee, Language change

I won’t lie, I came to this textbook expecting to hate it. What I actually found was not as bad as I imagined. The three chapters on analogy and grammaticalization are really nice, and I could imagine using them in teaching. The bit on sound change is pretty taxonomic, despite Bybee’s stated desire to avoid “a disjointed laundry list of named types”. The section in syntactic change is very dated, relying heavily on work from the 70s with a gentle gesture in the direction of modern construction grammar work. The nadir is the glowing write-up of Greenbergian mass comparison. There’s an interesting theory-comparison bit at the end that I would also happily give more advanced students to read.

Simon Bradley, The Railways

It’s always an unpleasant experience to realize that you weren’t quite as passionate about something you thought you were passionate about as you thought. Sadly, this book had that effect on me. It’s 550 pages long and the anecdotes and information come thick and fast, ranging from the evolution of carriage layouts to the minutiae of the spotter’s life. I got a fair bit out of it, but most of it will have washed over me without any lasting effect, to my great shame and regret.

Adele Goldberg, Constructions: A Construction Grammar approach to argument structure

This book is way more... generative than I imagined it being. Despite the title, it’s exclusively about English. The references (of which there are many) are almost all to works written in America since 1965. Some use is made of corpus examples, but mostly only to illustrate grammatical sentences, and the judgements drawn upon strike me as sometimes being more subtle and disputed than they are reported to be. That said, this was 1995 (and it’s an updated version of a PhD submitted in 1992). Plus there’s some cracking syntactic analysis and argumentation in here. Far from being obsessed with minor idiosyncrasies (my perhaps slightly unfair assessment of a lot of CxG work, which Goldberg herself actually hints at in the conclusion), this book is about how to capture robust generalizations that otherwise don’t receive satisfying accounts. It sometimes gets a bit hand-wavey about the specific verbs that can occur with a given construction, but for the most part it’s clear and explicit about what’s going on.

Marlon James, Black Leopard, Red Wolf

An epic fantasy written by a Man Booker Prize winner and drawing on African history and mythology. Given those things, I didn’t enjoy this book as much as I’d hoped, and it took me a very long time to plough through it. The quest-style middle section, with a LotR-style cast of supporting characters, is great, but it was hard for me to discern any narrative progression at all towards the start and the end. And I find the style sometimes extremely disjointed: pages of direct dialogue without any indication of who’s speaking had me losing not only the plot but also the will to live. Still, at its best the book is fabulous, deviant and powerful.

Ursula Le Guin, The Left Hand of Darkness

I’m surprised this book isn’t more widely known, especially now, given its exploration of themes surrounding gender in human society. It seems like a disservice to call this book sci-fi, but that really reflects more on the snobbishly pejorative connotations attached to the term (and ‘genre’ fiction more broadly – as if there is such a thing as non-genre fiction!) than on the book itself. Beyond gender the book addresses questions to do with nationalism, political propaganda and face-saving, prediction, and more. Plus it’s a good story.

Lourens van den Bosch, Max Müller: a life devoted to the humanities

This hefty, wide-ranging, and at points dense book is one of the reasons I didn’t read as many books in 2019 as in 2018. The protagonist, who has pretty much vanished without a trace in the popular historiography of linguistics, is an incredible thinker, bridge-builder, and activist whose ideas bear substantial similarities to some independently arrived at more recently. He was no respecter of disciplinary boundaries, making impressive contributions not only to linguistics but also to the comparative studies of mythology and religion (in these two fields there’d be some justification for calling him the founder figure). It’s hard to see why his reputation sank as much as it did after his death.

Jean Rhys, Wide Sargasso Sea

I’m not emotionally intelligent enough for this book, I think. It’s easy to see that this is beautiful prose, but a lot of reading between the lines is required to figure out what is going on and why, and I mostly couldn’t. One to revisit when I’m older and wiser.

Cynthia Allen, Dative External Possessors in Early English

There’s quite possibly no one who does theoretically informed, philologically reliable, corpus-based work on the syntax of early English as well as Allen. In this book, she tackles the question of dative external possessors, showing in detail that they were on the decline throughout the Old English period. A causal scenario based on the loss of dative case can be convincingly rejected, but Celtic influence (of a certain kind) remains plausible. This should pretty much be the last word on the issue. On a personal note, I’m glad to see my little HeliPaD corpus enjoying some use.

Manfred Krug, Emerging English modals: a corpus-based study of grammaticalization

This is an empirically very rich study whose theoretical side leaves something to be desired. Lots of linguists, unfortunately, especially in the philological traditions, treat their literature reviews as group identity signifiers rather than hypothesis drivers (in this case, usage-based linguistics and grammaticalization theory), and then develop particularistic post hoc explanations. It’d be unfair to single Krug out for this. There’s an important exception, though: the gravitational model developed in the final chapter, which is (or should be) genuinely predictive. The subsequent literature seems not to have picked up on this, however, which is a shame.

Arkady Martine, A Memory Called Empire

A good dose of sci-fi intrigue. Not massively original, but intelligent and well-crafted, with the twin themes of memory and belonging running like a river through it. Better characterization of the key figures than a lot of sci-fi I’ve read. And there are enough loose ends to make me pretty keen to read the sequel, when it comes out.

Colette Moore & Chris Palmer (eds.), Teaching the history of the English language

Stay tuned for a review of this, hopefully! The tl;dr version is “useful, but too North-America-centric”.

Shadowrun Sixth World Core Rulebook

When I read books like this as a teenager I skimmed eagerly over the flavour text and images in order to get to the stats. It’s interesting to discover as I get older that I’m leaning back towards the text (not the images). Perhaps it’s part of my general personality change. Anyhow, this is supposed to be a discussion of the book, not of me, so: it’s great! If you’re into that kind of thing. Good for getting the creative juices flowing.

Ibram X. Kendi, How to be an antiracist

A punchy, clearly written book that’s part autobiography and part manifesto. A good starting point for the relatively uninitiated like me. Kendi clearly explains what the problems are with assimilationist and integrationist views on race, as well as “race-blindness” (which might work in an ideal world, but that’s very far removed from where we are now). More interesting and novel to me was Kendi’s critique of the concept of structural racism as depersonalizing. And the key take-home is probably that racism is motivated more by self-interest than by ignorance or hate.

Guangshun Cao & Hsiao-jung Yu (eds.), Language contact and change in Chinese

A collection of essays originally written in Chinese and translated into English, dealing with two contact situations in particular: Sanskrit (in the context of translated Buddhist texts) and Mongolian (in the context of Mongol rule). The papers and the translations both vary tremendously in quality. The inclusion of Lansheng Jiang’s paper on four-character state adjectives, which has nothing to do with contact, is mystifying. But I learned a lot about potential cases of syntactic transfer from Sanskrit and Mongolian, and I’m glad this material is being made more easily accessible to a Western readership.

N. K. Jemisin, The Obelisk Gate

Not nearly as good as its predecessor – suffers from middle-of-trilogy syndrome. We get much more of a sense of what’s at stake, and lots of buildup for an epic confrontation in the next book, but ultimately not much of great import happens and we also don’t get much in the way of character development (at least not for Syenite/Essun). It’s still well-written and powerful but not as engaging, and, like the first volume, the pacing wasn’t very satisfying to me.

Diane Watt, Women, writing and religion in England and beyond, 650-1100

This book opened my eyes to the tradition of powerful and literate women in the early medieval period, which I’m sorry to say I was completely ignorant of – so it’s useful for the history of English I’m co-writing. Not all of the details were equally thrilling to me, though.

Private Eye Annual 2019

With all of its stupid, surreal awfulness on the geopolitical stage, 2019 was a hard year to satirize, so respect to everyone involved here. Except possibly the cartoonists, who seem to have dealt with the situation by going on an acid trip – I couldn’t make much sense of most of the cartoons, and even when I could they were odd rather than funny.

Sunday, October 27, 2019

Where can I get to in 12 hours from Konstanz without flying?

The Scientists4Future at the HU Berlin have launched a project to eschew short-haul flights, provided that the journey can instead be completed within 12 hours by rail. This blog post gives an overview of some of the places you can get to this way. (Hopefully, a few of them will SHOCK you!)

The Deutsche Bahn website was used to calculate all the below journey options, with 28th Oct 2019 as the (fairly arbitrarily chosen) notional day of travel.

So, what are your options...?

1. Anywhere in Germany

Okay, this is a slight exaggeration. The shortest time I can see to get to Westerland, on the island of Sylt, is 12:25. And Ostseebad Binz, on the island of Rügen, takes at least 12:59, with the quickest route to Stralsund coming in at 12:06. Hopefully you won't begrudge me the extra few minutes, though, especially since none of these are particularly common destinations for academic business trips.

Hamburg, on the other hand, can be done in 8:13 with only one change. Berlin can be done in 8:36, and Köln in a mere 5:01. This may not be particularly surprising to anyone, though, so let's move on.

2. Anywhere in Austria, Belgium, Liechtenstein, Luxembourg, Monaco, or Switzerland

Austria is not as long as it looks. Graz can be got to in just over 10 hours, Klagenfurt in just over 9, Vienna in less than 9. The longest trip I've been able to find is to Jennersdorf, on the border with Hungary, and apparently a fairly unremarkable place. Still doable in under 12 hours.

As for Belgium, a trip to De Panne, on the North Sea coast near the French border, will be over in the blink of an eye (9:59). The pretty little town of Couvin, at the end of a branch line in Wallonia near Namur, will take you 10:26. More usefully, you can reach Brussels within seven hours.

Liechtenstein is obvious, as is Luxembourg (just over 6 hours). Almost everywhere in Switzerland is accessible within 5 hours; if you want to train it to Brusio with its spiral viaduct, high in the Alps on the Bernina railway, you'd better leave 6:20.

The Brusio spiral viaduct (CC-BY 3.0, by Kabelleger)

3. Most places in Czechia or the Netherlands

Ostrava, the Czech town that's the furthest from Konstanz (near the border with Poland), will push you over the limit at 12:20, as will Olomouc at 12:09 (just). But Prague can be reliably got to in a piffling 9:32, and Brno in 10:38. Meanwhile, Amsterdam is a comfortable 8:35, and Groningen or Rotterdam can be reached in under 10. If you want to go right to the North Sea coast on a branch line, brace yourself for a longer journey, though.

4. Denmark, Hungary, Poland, Slovakia, Slovenia

Bratislava is only 10:13, and Ljubljana a mere 10:24! As for Denmark, Hungary and Poland, admittedly, you probably won't get to anywhere useful within these countries in 12 hours. But Budapest, for instance, is only 12:09, Poznan is only 12:16, and places like Aarhus, Copenhagen, Warsaw and Wroclaw are doable as part of a longer day. Zagreb, in Croatia, is only just out of reach at 12:44, and there's also a sleeper that goes there from Zurich.

5. Northern and Central Italy, and almost all of France

At 5:41, Milan is embarrassingly easy to reach. From there you can travel onwards to lots of other major cities within the 12-hour limit: Florence at 7:37, Rimini 8:29, Venice 8:31, Rome 9:14, Trieste 10:30, Naples 10:47. Only the far south and Sicily take longer.

France is astonishingly accessible. With Paris less than five and a half hours away, you can be there in time for a leisurely lunch. Connections via Paris, Dijon and Strasbourg will also get you to places like Lille (7:17), Marseille (7:42), Bordeaux (8:16), Nantes (9:07), Toulouse (11:05), Bayonne (11:07), and even Brest at the very tip of Brittany (an incredible 10:08, if you can leg it across Paris fast enough). You'll only struggle with getting somewhere in France within 12 hours if it's at the far end of a tiny branch line.

If you are a fan of micro-states, Vatican City (via Rome), San Marino (via Rimini) and Monaco (10:15) are all within your grasp. And Barcelona is SO DAMN CLOSE to being under the limit (12:21), putting you not that far from Andorra (okay that's a stretch but work with me here). Another Spanish destination that's easily doable within a day is Irun, in the Basque country, at a fairly comfortable 12:36. And if you stay on that last train you'll end up in Lisbon in the morning.

6. The UK

London is reachable in 8:59 by Eurostar via Paris, if the patron saint of connections extends his blessing to you. More usually it'll be about 10 (you need to hang around a bit in Paris). The Eurostar will also allow you to travel on to Cambridge (10:23), Oxford (11:04), Birmingham (11:17), York (11:29), Sheffield (11:55), and even Manchester (11:56), just. Within a slightly longer day you can also get to the capitals of Wales (Cardiff, 12:36) and Scotland (Edinburgh, 14:22), as well as Leeds (12:07), Newcastle (12:44) or Lancaster (12:46).

So that's not a bad range of places for half the time it takes for the Earth to rotate on its axis. Here's a map giving an overview:


 
With options like this, why would you fly short-haul to any of these places?

Saturday, October 19, 2019

Ritter Sport Winter 2019

The three new winter varieties Bunte Vielfalt varieties are here! Novelty value is low, however; two are repeats not only from 2018 but also from 2017. Spekulatius is a well-deserved 9/10 and Gebrannte Mandel is a worthy but not hugely inspiring 6.5/10. There's also:

Dunkle Minz Crisp: 9/10
Mmm, a dark chocolate variety with just enough crunchy minty sugary bits to taste like a gigantic After Eight – but without the annoying squidginess. I would dearly like to see this one again in future.

Monday, August 05, 2019

6 weird German things

Ever since I moved to Germany in March 2017 I have been an astute observer of local customs. These six quintessentially German weird things have made their way onto my Facebook wall, and here they are compiled for your reading pleasure. Most of them turn out to be related to buses.

1. Bus seating rituals

When someone sits down next to an occupied seat on a bus, the person on the inside will often immediately start a conversation about when they are planning to get off. If it then turns out that the person on the inside is getting off first, the two people will often permute. This whole process seems less efficient than the person on the inside simply saying "Excuse me, I want to get out" when it's time for them to do so.

2. Opening times for the bottle bank

Bitte beachten Sie die Einwurfzeiten!
Using the bottle bank on a Saturday? VERBOTEN. Using it at 2pm? VERBOTEN. Using it at 8pm? VERBOTEN. Using it at 7 in the ****ing morning? Yeah, sure, go right ahead.

3. Oh deer

"der Rentier" vs. "das Rentier". When the WWF started sending me emails about "Rentier under threat", I was a bit confused about why they wanted to protect pensioners/people living off their capital. Turns out that morphology, pronunciation, and gender are important. Who knew?

4. The vanishing bus

Fährt vom Pfingstsonntag bis zum letzten Tag in den Sommerferien.
A bus that only exists between Pentecost and the last day of the Baden-Württemberg summer holidays. Guess I’ll take the next one, then.

5. The Gutenberg gap

Your IP Address in Germany is Blocked
No access to Project Gutenberg in Germany. :'(

6. Stop the Germany, I Want to Get Off

By and large, Germans are awful at letting people get off the bus before they try to get on. They just stand in front of the door in a confused mass until someone asks them to move. I can only assume this is related to either a) the congenital inability of anyone without Great British DNA to queue properly, b) an apparently widespread German paranoia that minor things in daily life will go TERRIBLY WRONG, or c) both.

Then again, Konstanz bus drivers are psychopaths. They will quite happily lower the bus to ground level so that someone in a zimmer frame can trundle on comfortably, then close the door and stamp on the accelerator while that person is still looking for a seat.